My Shirt Doesn’t Ride High Enough

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Dear Ron,
How ya doin’?  I’m a middle-aged dude  with a problem.  I cannot find a shirt which rides high enough.
To explain:  I see all the young cool boys in town got their shirts up high so that their package is clearly visible below their belt line. Me. I buy a shirt and the lousy thing nearly falls to my knees.  I feel like I’m in a tent. Let me add that my upper body is NOT scrunched. I got a body that is NORMAL, like everyone else, and well- proportioned .
Where do you get a shirt that fits right? I don’t wanna go askin’ the cool boys for fear that they will think I ‘m gonna muscle in on their chicklets.  What to do?
Drool

Dear Drool,

I feel your pain. Why not just go into a store and ask the salesperson your question instead of writing to me?
I do notice what you are talking about, however. The style today for young men is to wear their shirts over their belts rather than tuck them into their pants. I suppose they do this because they fear to get them wrinkled so that they will have to go out and buy an iron, and then where would that leave them? They’d be obliged to spend some time rocking their elbows instead of blowing folks’ heads off  at their play stations.
In my time when  a fellow wore his shirt out it was considered sloppy, and people thought you were too lazy to get them under the jeans, plus we liked to feel the polyester right up there hugging our sinews. The babes liked that and it gave us points.  We were men who didn’t fear our sexiness, we were graceful jungle cats.  The girls could check our whole body out, not just zero in on the prong.
Today it is all about the destination and not the trip, no foreplay, just get me there as quickly as possible, and get it over, so that I can come home and ferment.  Is that what you want to be part of, Drool, a pickle in a jar just like all the other pickles, marinating,  just some portable organ? If that is the case, you know where to go.

Dear  Ron,

Thanks for the info(?)”Go into a store and talk to the salesperson?” Anyone can do that. I wanted to hear some wisdom from above.  I thought you were supposed to have a wisdom salon here. Whatever, dude.
And no, I don’t wanna be just some pickle in a pickle jar. Okay, yes I do. I would love to be a pickle, but only if that pickle got picked up once in a while. I am lonely, Ron. Doesn’t that come through? I  need a chicklet down there where I can crush her bones.  I am just normal. Okay, I’m not that normal. So what? The fact is it is killing me that a man can’t get a cool shirt in this town.  Now I don’t know where to go for advice either. I am lost.
Drool

Dear Drool,
You are not lost or abandoned. I will always be here for you. I was just trying to make it easy for you to get the correct information. I will tell you what. I will make it a point to find out where you can buy a damn good shirt that falls where you like it. Truth to tell, you touched me when you said you were lonely. I got a soft spot for all the males in the world who don’t have a good woman whose bones they can crush.
It is the isolation in our society that makes this so. I could maybe give you some advice on that score. Don’t think that just because you have a cool shirt you will necessarily find a bone crushable girl so easily. Girls look for more than just a guy with a cool shirt. I read that somewhere. I have about as much fashion sense as a kangaroo and I have never had much problem finding girls. Not overly tasty ones, mind you, but never mind.
You have to cultivate a cool attitude. You need to find yourself a model or two of cool  (sorry, I’m not available) and then study this person or persons, and then chances are you might one day approach their coolness, and then lo and behold you will find the girl of your dreams.  Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear  Ron,
Thanks for the advice. So now I’m not cool enough, I gotta go out and find a “model” to imitate? That is not an easy thing these days. Like who is cool enough that I could look up to? Sometimes I try to look like the models in the subway, but they don’t move, so how can I judge their coolness  when they are not on the wall?
The hip hoppers I don’t like because they are always rhyming things and I’m not too solid on that. I used to like Jack Nicholson, but now the dude is an old man and I notice the young babes are givin’ him the cold shoulder, and who wants to get that treatment?  How about cult leaders? Do you think they deserve my observation?
Drool

Dear Drool,

Cult leaders, eh? You got me thinkin’ here. If I had emulated cult leaders in my youth, I would not be in the position I am in right now, having to eke out a living as a damn so-called advice columnist. Strike that! I love my work.
But you could do worse than aping cult leaders.  They do have the goods after all – power, adulation, strong chins.  They get to have fun and scream at people. They must be cool. Chicklets take to them  like grease to gravy. But they often have bad skin. Oh well! They always have a sycophant or two around to pop their whiteheads.
But you would need to appropriate a theology. Study the Bible, The Torah, the Bhagavad Gita. Learn the lingo. Take lessons from the big boys –Hitler, Stalin, Dick Cheney-   study their moves, their gestures, their hairstyles. A cult leader was not made in a day, Drool, you got to be ready to put in the time, but gosh, it sure will be worth it.

Dear Ron,
But I’m an old guy. Maybe it’s too late. My memory is so bad I can’t remember what I had for breakfast. I don’t think I could do what you advise. Oh! I feel worse than ever.
Drool

Dear Drool,
You can do it
You can do it
You can
Do do do it!
That’s a cheer we had in prison for guys who were planning to travel.
Best of luck and keep me posted. Or rather, don’t.

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