Carfused

Dear Ron,

I have some advice to ask from you. My girlfriends have been telling me how much you care about helping others. God bless you! I only wish you can shed some light on my own problem.  In my case,  I fear for my marriage.

I have only been married two months and already I fear the worst. My hubnut (a  term  of endearment  I use for my husband because he loves his car so much) seems to be having an affair. When getting home he will wolf down his supper and sometimes even forgo my delicious deserts in order to sooner skip down to the garage to work on his car parts.

He stays down there long into the night, polishing his ball bearings and whatnot.  The kicker is that when he comes back up to bed he has a strange smell to him that I am sure is a woman’s perfume.  I suspect he is doing more down there than oiling his carburetors. What can I do about these terrible misgivings? I love him but don’t want to be his fifth wheel.

Carfused

Dear Carfused,

Thank you for your letter. I have thought long and hard about your situation and am putting myself in your skin in order to help you, so if it gets a little crowded in there, please bear with me.

What would I do?  You say it has only been two months that you are married, and logically he should be up oiling your grooves  instead of his carburetors.  I would confront him, looking directly into his eyes, and ask him why he is having an affair. If he denies it, go to the next step, informing him that you have seen him with another woman.

He might refute that as well. Don’t back down. Tell him you know the difference between the scent of axle grease and Whiff of Cooze perfume. He will have to react with more candour to that statement. Can he weasel out of it now?  Maybe.  But don’t let him.

Tell him he will have to pay for his frolicking, that you want a divorce and will be asking for half of all his car parts. I wouldn’t tell him which ones particularly, but assure him you will get a lawyer with a superior knowledge of vehicles. You might even hire a couple of the greasiest mechanics in town for your dream team. That should shake him up.

But go even further and pinch him where he can feel it, calling into question his manhood, insinuating that his engine was never very powerful to begin with, and that you had always hoped his vehicle would hold the road better and not get so heated and spill over before you arrived at your destination, and that you got tired of always having to call a taxi.

That will get him into a tailspin, I can assure you. If he does decide to own up at any point,  begging you not to go to an attorney, I would forgive him only under the condition that it is you who from now on is going to be sitting in the driver’s seat , and that it is his seatbelt  which will be  buckled up. Good luck and let me know what happens.

Dear Ron,

I took your advice and confronted hubby. Do you know what that smell I found on him turned out to be? A new brand of grease wax they have on the market now called Pansy Lube.  Hubby swears by it. So we won’t be getting that divorce after all. But I am still a tad worried about him. He wants to smear the goo on me before we have sex so that he can feel closer to his car. My luck!

Carfused

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