Financial Advisors Are Mothers

Dear Ron,

My stock broker has changed companies, leaving me. I feel like a  helpless baby  now  and I don’t know what to do.

Rudder Les

Dear Rudder Les,

It is not uncommon for people to feel helpless when their financial adviser leaves them. It feels like their world has been pulled out from under them. There is a Freudian reason for this: According to the bearded cocaine vacuum , the Financial Advisor is symbolically the Mother and when  our F. A. leaves  us our survival is at stake ( money =food), and we believe we will perish, or at the very least not receive any more cards at Christmas .

This causes the psyche to unfurl like a cheap umbrella followed by panic, and dire consequences can result, as anyone who is looking for a new mother can attest to.

What to do about it, Rudder Les?  I would advise you to hold ship. When you sense anxiety suck in deep draughts of air to relieve it, keeping faith that there are other mothers out there and that you will eventually find  a worthy one to snuggle up to. This should alleviate the temporary discomfort.

In future, size up prospective candidates for their maternal warmth and dependability. Don’t be swayed by large breasts or their ability to make baby talk. Don’t be taken in with promises of pretty financial statements.  Zone in on their potential to make you the centre of their world and tell you frankly what is right for your situation.

A good mother is always honest but gentle.  You may ask questions on their background, such as how many children they already have and how long they have been together.  It is even fair, in my view, to contact one or two of their children to obtain references. Ask whether their relationship with the mother has been nourishing and if the monthly portions they have been receiving are substantial and tasty.

Is the mother there when you call to talk? There is nothing more frustrating than having to beg mummy to get back to you, knowing full well that she is probably playing googoo games with one of your siblings while ignoring your needs.

And make sure that the mother won’t just get up and leave you one day in the lurch because she can get paid more by some other husband.

Good luck in your search.


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