The Positive Side Of Being Obese

Dear Ron,

I am a person who thinks she should lose weight. I sometimes ask myself, why should I?  For my hubby? Fact is, Ron, my hubby could care less if he woke up next to a truck, he is too busy polishing his 5-iron. For the kids? The kids don’t care either. The only thing the kids want is to know which blanket the TV remote is under.  For society? Flick society! It is made up of a bunch of mongoloids and blood-suckers. And don’t tell me for myself, either! I have just about stopped caring. But I still think about it sometimes.


Dear Semi,

I hear you! Who cares whether you are fat or thin? It is not exactly that people are taking notes. Nobody really cares unless they have got to squeeze by you at the butchershop.

I, myself, am a slob (so I have been informed) but I thrive on it. In fact, I have turned it into a plus. I have made it work for me.  How?  For one thing, I can earn a little extra cash at Christmastime dressing up as the jolly one.

I get more elbow room at the soda counter. People stop asking me if I want a second helping and just give it to me.  I don’t walk much anymore and this saves time.  Losing weight is nasty for skin tone. My skin is tight as a drum, the way I like it. But this isn’t about me, is it? You are the one with the problem and it is my duty to solve it for you.

If I can read between the lines of your letter, I notice that you still think you should lose weight and you feel guilty or inadequate for not doing it. Here is a way to feel better about yourself without having to lose the weight: Hang around with people who are a lot heavier than you. You can find these people often at nude beaches, or seek them out at singles clubs.

The oversize stores at the mall are also a good bet. Go to Weightwatchers and sit next to the heaviest people there.  Take dance lessons.  Hang out at the high- cholesterol sections of supermarkets, making it your business to chum up to the  biggest loaders. Write an ad in the newspaper, suggesting that you can help the horribly obese lose weight, and then strike up some friendships with these respondees.

By the time they find out that you are a fake, you may have made some good pals, and they probably won’t squeal on you.  Seek out the chunky in all walks of life and walk proud. Let me know how it went. Please!


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