Burned Up

Dear Ron,
I read you every day and am always amazed by your good heart and well thought out replies to your readers’ questions. It is wonderful to know that someone really cares about us. There are just so many problems in life and I have one too. I have an uneven tan.

How did I get it, you will ask. I spend my the summer months leaning on my windowsill, waiting for the birds to arrive so that I can feed them, and so the sun hits me from the elbows down. So you see what happened? I have a tan now from my elbow down  to my fingers while the rest of my body is kleenex white (okay, off-white!) which makes me look like I have opera gloves on. It is enough to kill me because I hate the opera. Okay, so what do I do?
Burned Up

Dear Burned Up,
We used to call this a farmer’s tan.  Maybe you could think of yourself as a seed-planter rather than an opera-goer. That might cheer you up. If not – and please don’t hate me for saying this – why not get yourself an actual pair of opera gloves at the Dollar Store and put them right on for a couple of months while leaving the rest of yourself uncovered. You see where I’m going with this? Of course, apply sunscreen so that you will not roast. I understand the sun’s rays can turn your skin into a steak. If all else fails, there is always the vinegar rub. Get a good tuft of steel-wool, apply a liberal dose of Balsac vinegar to your limbs, and then scrub away  at least three times a day for twenty to thirty minutes. But remember to face west. It only works in this position for some reason. In the future, if I may be so bold, invite the little ones inside for their snacks instead of leaving yourself exposed to harmful rays.

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