Toilet Paper And Middle Age

Dear Ron,

How long should it take to use up a roll -2-ply- of toilet paper by one healthy middle-aged man. I seem to go through them faster than a hot knife through butter. I want to determine if I fall within the norm. I would appreciate it if you did not publish my name.

Marvin Epstein

Dear Marvin Epstein,

Would that be for hygienic purposes only or does it include dabbing at your nose on occasion as well as lifting grease stains from the porcelain? If you are using it strictly for the former, I suppose one a day is not exorbitant. I Googled your question and could not find statistics on this subject. To draw from personal experience then.

I was taught that the tissue had to come out snow white before you could call it a job well done. This requires unrelenting effort. There are obstacles  to overcome. There is the problem of those middle-aged pesky little back hairs which get coated so readily, and take a dog’s year to de-coat. If you wish to avoid waste (pun unintended) of the white paper, I would suggest pinching those buggers out once a week with a tweezers.

It is recommended you employ a magnifying mirror, since those devils do their best to hide from view.You may, as I have been known to do, tip your char to hold the mirror. Make certain that you do not twist your neck out in the process and cause yourself a muscle spasm.

In order to cut down further, I would suggest you experiment with technique when wiping. Try the two-step approach – plunge and scoop, followed by plunge and scoop once again. Drop paper. If you have done your job with the” whispies”, you will get a nice clean bite and won’t have to go back for more.

But – and this is a big but – if you are like me, you want it dry as a snake in the desert back there so that you do not end up feeling you are sitting in a puddle of cream till your next event. If you are not thorough enough, you may end up defeating your purpose by allowing the possibility of gas bubbles to erupt later on, this again causing unwanted dampness and irritability.

Toward this end (no pun intended) use your index finger to climb right up in there and wiggle around. You might find it rather pleasant, in fact, but do not overdo it. There is always a next time. I would not scoop too widely either, since that generosity of movement may cause the bowels to believe there is an invitation to expel more product, which of course would have you right back where you started from.

You have indicated that you use the 2-ply. Good choice! Those who believe they are doing themselves a favour by scrimping on a roll are fooling themselves. Besides, nothing is more off-putting than having a finger rend a swab when you are in a hurry and come up gooey. With the good stuff, two quadrants will do it. No more. You don’t want to waste ( again,no pun intended) it, do you? Nor do you wish to clog up the bowl with thick wads that might not flush properly, possibly causing your toilet to turn into a tsunami. For a “normal” load two is usually enough.

I might add that some people wait till they are full to bursting before visiting the “little boy’s room” Please don’t.  A full bowl in these matters is neither desirable nor agreeable. Have out with it when the mood arises. Be attentive to the oncoming deluge. Don’t wait for it to overwhelm you. We don’t need our wheelbarrows full before we roll them, do we?  Squat when you got is how I always approach it!

I hope this helped.

Down the hatch, as they say.


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