Is My Penis Shrinking?

Dear Ron,

I don’t know if I am imagining this, but I get the distinct impression when I look down that my penis is shrinking.  It is making me queasy to think about it. I have just turned 60. Does that have anything to do with it?


Dear Heartsick,

It is indeed possible that your penis is shrinking. Think about it. It is nature’s way of telling you that you will have little (no pun intended) use of it from here on in. Let’s face it, if you haven’t sown your oats up to this point, you will undoubtedly die an underprivileged human. You should have started piling lumber long ago, say in your late teens and early twenties. From that period on it is a steep decline, alas!

You, at your age, are ready for the box snooze. Why would the shrewd Mother grant you an organ whose only use now is to dribble little salty tears into the bowl-shaped porcelain container? All you need to worry about is that you make certain your vision is good enough that they find their way in rather than outside the pool, not forgetting to observe a modicum of hygiene.

Don’t leave yourself open to a humiliating beating from your landlady. Don’t allow neighbours to complain that you are housing untrained canines or a gaggle of sour tomcats. Retain some dignity, Heartsick, you are still a person –never forget that – not a peanut!  And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!

I hope this helped.


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