Saturn Is Sitting On My Face

Dear Ron,

I was born with the sun in Capricorn and the moon in Cancer, and so you will have to forgive the mood in which this is being written.

I have been forever  trying to throw off the vile influences  that are the result  of my unfortunate birthday, delivered  by that postman of gloom, Saturn,  However, I have not had much success. I still feel this planet sitting on my face like a fat turd, which I want to squirm out from under .  Please advise me how to accomplish this.

Moody Jew

Dear Moody Jew,

Devising methods to extricate oneself from one’s planetary influences has been at the top of the To Do list for astrologers for many centuries.

Dr. Augustus  Lightwit, one of the foremost authorities on the planetary dance had something to say pertinent to this at a seminar held in his garage in 1972, stating “It seems to me that we are all victims of these nasty planets which do their dirty work and then go right home and pretend that they are innocent bystanders in man’s fate.

“ Well, I can say without an iota of doubt that this is far from the case. The trouble, of course, is where do you find the police when you need them.  I am not overstating the case.

“Let us say that a woman named Uranus is constantly at the back of her husband, Max, nagging  the man to get a better job because she wants that mink hat she has been eyeing at her favourite skin shop, undermining all the while his confidence in himself and in his ability to provide for her.

“As a result of her strident noises Max goes  out one day and holds up a drugstore to obtain the resources to procure the desired hat. Does it not stand to reason that Uranus is the cause of this crime even if it was carried out by Max? In any place where real justice prevailed Uranus would be held just as responsible as Max for this crime, while here on this sad planet Uranus can just whistle her way out of all come-uppance  or even blame.

“ How unfair!  How unfair! Not all planets are equally reprehensible, but no one can refute that there are those which are undeniably nasty.

“ Let me say a frank word about that black bastard, Saturn: This unholy entity has been known to sit on the faces of those in its realm of influence, circulating its stink of gloom with unending cruelty, refusing even to get up  once in a while to make a sandwich. The consequences are, of course,untold  misery for many.

“What can be done? What can be done?  Not much, unfortunately. I suppose in the end we must just lay there and  breathe in its fetid odours in the hopes that one day it may cease to be, that perhaps a meteor or  benevolent cosmic voyager will hit it, hit it hard, putting it finally out of commission and unable to further circulate its stink.”

Moody Jew, I hope this is not too hard for you to inhale. Have patience! There are some conditions that must be met with tolerance.  This is one of them.

Good luck!




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