Scratching Sickened Him

Dear Ron,
I have a problem that I want you to help me with. I wake up in the morning and I have scratches all over my body. Now I sleep alone, so how could this happen? Do you think someone comes in, does their dirty work and leaves? If so, what kind of lock would you suggest?
Not Itchy

Dear Not  Itchy

You are probably doing it to yourself while you sleep, and I would advise you to see a psychiatrist. Scratching yourself in your sleep is a serious mental disorder. My ex-psychiatrist, the writer and Nazi, Dr. Ishbin Schtarke, has stated that scratching one’s skin while in the state of sleep reveals a deep-seated need to peel away the skin, and skin of course is what separates us from one another.
It is, Dr. Schtarke has explained to me many times, what makes us us.  The ego, in other words.You might not like your skin. You might harbour hostility toward your skin. Are you dark-skinned, or particularly hairy? Do you break out in hives when you eat certain melon out of season? Do you wish your skin were moister? Do you wish you had more skin, less skin? Do you wish your skin were tighter around the jowls?
You would have to ask yourself all of those questions before even approaching a cure. Dr. Schtarke could not bear to see anyone scratch, even under the severest duress. It sickened him, making him dart to the nearest  convenience to vomit out his disgust.  Even the word “skin” caused a violent response in him.  Doctor Schtarke now lives in a home with his rabbits and is writing a book on why darker- skinned people have demonic appetites, and what the world can do about it.
He has long held the position that under each black person there is a white person who wants to come out because , as scientists have proven, the skin has several layers. He is concerned that one day all the negroes will peel away their skin and become white. And where would that  leave him? He would have one less race to dump on.  This to say that you must have something in your background that is making you want to mutilate the person you think you are, or get at the person you think you should be.
I hope this helped.

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