I Put My Shoe In The Fridge

Dear Ron,

I did a horrible thing today.  I put my key in my left, back pocket. I have never done that in my life. I always put it in my left, front pocket. It worries me to think I actually made that mistake, and I want to know if something is going wrong with me and if I should see a doctor.


Dear Farley,

I know how you must feel and I sympathize with you.  I also have these momentary lapses which astound me.  The other day I put my shoe in the fridge.  When I realized what I had done I went to retrieve it.  And then I put it back because it wasn’t cold enough.

I recently complimented my wife, Allie, on looking so young.  When she informed me that Allie, who is my ex-wife, had been dead for years, I asked her how she managed to keep her glow.

I often think it is Tuesday when it is Thursday, but I think that is because they begin with the same letter. Oddly enough, I have no trouble telling Saturday from  Sunday. Wednesdays I always get right. Mondays are tough but, of course, many people have trouble with Mondays.  I always know when it is Friday because the butcher calls.

I get mixed up a lot. For example, music. I have a hard time distinguishing jazz from blues. I always know I am listening to classical music because it makes me get up and march.  And when rap comes on the radio I want to call the police.

Remembering the correct word to employ has always been a problem with me for as long back as I can remember, which is yesterday at noon.

I never use synonyms anymore and I hesitate to use verbs. I’ll call a hammer a bat and a collar a leash. On the other hand, I always know the names of the animals on Wild Kingdom, but I forget that they are not on the other side of the glass.

The one word I never get wrong is spade. I always call a spade a spade.  Another thing I always remember is to chew my food. It is because my mother told me to do that, but then I often forget that I had a mother.

And I remember to come back home before it is dark and not to poke my ears with Q -tips. All in all, I am doing okay. Farley, forgive me, I forgot that you asked me a question.  Oh, yeah. You ask whether to see a doctor or not about your memory lapse. Forget it, Farley.  Doctors these days often don’t remember that we are human.


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