Eye Shy

Dear Ron, My problem is that I cannot stand to look at myself in photographs. It is not that I am bad-looking. In fact, to the contrary. When I look– in some mirrors (they are not alike, after all) I sometimes drool and want to ask myself out on a date. At other times it…

A Rock Is Always Hard

Dear  Ron, I just bought a new computer chair.  The problem is that the chair is designed  so that if I sit straight there is a part that juts into my spine uncomfortably, and if I slouch I am okay, but I know I shouldn’t slouch, and if I sit up so that I do…

I Suck It Up

Dear Ron, Do YOU ever have a problem, and if you do, who do you go to for advice? Just Wondering Dear Just, That is a good question. I will try to answer it honestly. If I have a problem, I don’t go to my wife (because I have no wife) I don’t go to…

Toilet Misery

Dear Ron, I don’t wish to be rude, but I just have to know. How often is it normal to push food out from the bottom end? In my situation, I am spending lots of time on the hoop. I go like there is no tomorrow. Even my toilet is fed up with me and…

My Shirt Doesn’t Ride High Enough

Dear Ron, How ya doin’?  I’m a middle-aged dude  with a problem.  I cannot find a shirt which rides high enough. To explain:  I see all the young cool boys in town got their shirts up high so that their package is clearly visible below their belt line. Me. I buy a shirt and the…

My Pimple Problem

Dear  Ron, I have a pimple on my right bottom- cheek that I have been worrying about for a long time. I keep pinching it, and because of that,it is not going away. My problem is that I want it to go away and I don’t. I want it to go away because it would…

No No No

Dear Ron, I can’t get no satisfaction, as the song goes. Nothing I do makes me happy today. I don’t know what to do about it either. No No No Dear No No No, I would advise you to listen to better songs. Music is such an impressive force that  if you listen to the…

Become One With The Candy

Dear Ron, I like the advice you gave to Wits’ End. I am happy that at last you are discussing the big questions. My dilemma is that when I am  eating or drinking something I like (like a candy or a spruce beer) I don’t want it to end, which takes me away from enjoying…

My Wife Snores Loudly

Dear Ron, I am in a delicate situation. My dear wife snores LOUDLY!!! Lying beside her is not unlike occupying trackside seats at the Grand Prix.  She is so sensitive and ladylike in her manner otherwise that I have never been able to break it to her gently for fear of of ruffling her feathers….

I Am Immigrant From Latvia

Dear Ron, I am immigrant from Latvia, refugee who take English course to improve himself for better job and wife. My problem is spelling English. Why have two letters, for instance ck, K, and c that pronounce the same way. Also miserable is rr, r, f, ff, t, tt, b, bb, c,s Why use two…

There Is A War Going On In My Mouth

Dear Ron, I have a tooth question to pose. I have had many problems with my teeth and spend much time and money at the dentist’s. The last big toothache I had caused me to lose a molar on my upper right side. For months I was obliged to chew on my left side. Then…

You Will Be Judged

Dear Ron, This is a fashion question from a very fashionable guy. Is it okay to wear button-down  shirts  with  the collar wing buttons undone? I have seen people doing it, and it has been making me uneasy. I have to know. Bound By Rules Dear Bound By Rules, The button-down collar was made to…

Doing The Wrong Thing Is Better

Dear Ron, I have just read your reply to Miserable Molly and I don’t agree with it. How could you tell her to start gambling?  Don’t you know the consequences of problem gambling? She could end up losing her home, or perhaps wasting  money which could have been better spent on something else, like a…

My Bedsheet Dilemma

Dear Ron, I don’t know what to do about my bed sheets. I wash them, I dry them, and you know what happens? They come out all wrinkled. Now I have to sleep on wrinkled sheets. Not only that. When I look at my sheets I think of my poor face which is starting to…

I Am Forever Burning My Gums

Dear Ron, I am forever burning my gums. I just ate a grilled- cheese sandwich (my passion!) and dropped it down a little too early, and now my tongue is scraping sheets of skin from my upper palate. What can I do to prevent this from happening again. I admit that I love to chomp…

I Have A Dread Of Doors

Dear Ron, My problem is with doors. When I approach a public doorway, I never know which door to take because there are often several leading to the same place, and I panic. Will it be the  large door, the smaller one beside it, or the  revolver?  There is also the problem of deciding if…

Don’t Send Flowers To My House

Dear Ron, What is the etiquette when someone sends you an e-mail to congratulate you on some accomplishment. I get so many of them that I hardly have the time to reply. Is it a mortal sin not to do so.  Thank you in advance for your reply. Sally Watson Dear Sally, What do you…

Carfused

Dear Ron, I have some advice to ask from you. My girlfriends have been telling me how much you care about helping others. God bless you! I only wish you can shed some light on my own problem.  In my case,  I fear for my marriage. I have only been married two months and already…

Sleepless In My Nightmare

Dear Ron, I live in fear that I am wasting my time. Whenever I am doing something I feel I should be doing something else, so I stop doing what I’m doing and start doing something else but then realize I shouldn’t be doing that either  and so I quit doing that and try to…

Fate Is A Funny Thing

Dear Ron, I am finding that in my early winter years I have become more fatalistic than ever before.  The hum on my lips is always: “Que sera, sera.” I wonder if others feel the same way. Hummer Dear Hummer, Fate is a funny thing: you can’t escape it. Anybody who tries to escape their…

You Are Going To Have To Stretch Your Cap

Dear Ron, My problem fits into the fashion/hair category. I love my cap and I love to wear it constantly in the winter. What happens is that every time I take it off when I arrive somewhere I notice that my hair is flat. It throws my haircut which is giving me all manner of…

Men Seeking Men

Dear Ron, I have a problem which is making me cramp. The fact is I am a pretty, young woman who has a boyfriend with a roving eye. No, Ron, it’s not what you think. He is not looking at other girls, but rather, if you can believe my luck, the louse is looking at…

What’s Up With Snow?

Dear Ron, What’s up with snow? Why does it always fall when you don’t want it to? Peace out! Roderick Dear Roderick, Frankly, Roderick, I am not sure if you are getting this one accurately. You say snow falls when you don’t want it, but you must realize that other people may want it and…

My Serial Killer Boyfriend Is Too Nice

Dear Ron, I have a problem that I would like to ask you about.  I have a new boyfriend and we have been together for like about  a month and a half and the thing is we never argue. Maybe people say that is a good thing, but I am kinda worried. Is it normal…

How To Wear Your Tuque

Dear Ron, This falls into the fashion category.  When I wear my tuque I am not sure whether the label should be at the back or at the front.  I have tried both, but always fear that it is at the wrong place, which makes me lose the concentration I need to try to find…

My T-Shirts Don’t Like Me

Dear Ron, I am happy to hear that you have become a fashion consultant. I didn’t think you had it in you. Let me tell you a problem I have with my clothes. I like to wear crew-neck t-shirts. Okay, who doesn’t, right? But I am finding that  when I wear the kind I like,…

My Laundry Drier Frightens Me

Dear Ron, I am afraid of my laundry drier. It makes the most godawful noises that make me think the world is coming to an end. I have spoken to a repairman about it, but he says the machines are supposed to sound like that. What should I do about it? And please don’t tell…

Your Letter Has Made Me Sleepy

Dear Ron, I was happy to read the the advice you gave to Light Hungry. I also have a problem about the autumn season , which maybe you will be good enough to shed some light on. Every year when autumn drives up to my door I get,…well, kinda sad and lazy. The cold wind…

Why Do Old People Make Funny Noises?

Dear Ron, I have a question I have asked many people and they just don’t know. Maybe you will. I hope you do. Why do old people make funny noises, and why are these noises not so much fun to hear? Hearin’ Things Dear Hearin’ Things, That is a very good question. It is actually…

Marshmallows And Balloons

Dear Ron, I had a dream last night that I was floating around in a big air balloon. I woke up feeling elated and confused. What does it mean? Confused Dear Confused, You’re confusing me. Do you mean what does the dream mean, or your confusion and elation? Let’s take it one at a time….

My Cup Runeth Over Was Started By Gord

Dear Ron, Where does the expression, “my cup runeth over” come from? Everybody seems to be using it these days. Question Mark Dear Question Mark, I have not researched this (no time), but I have an answer for you nonetheless. This expression comes from a fellow named Gord who loved to drink. He drank anything…

Why Is Life So Hard?

Dear Ron, Sometimes I get so frustrated at everything in life that I want to tear my hair out. Why is life so hard? I know this is a pretty general question, but you said there were no questions you  wouldn’t answer. Wits’End Dear Wits’ End, You have misquoted me: I said there were no…

Stay Away From Galoshes

Dear Ron, Now that autumn is beginning I am having big problems deciding what to wear in the morning. Should it be a sweater? Should it be a jacket? Should it be a light coat? Short sleeves or long? Button up two or one? Thick socks or stay with the summer thinnies? These questions race…

I live In Syrup

Dear Ron, It’s a grey day outside today and I feel like I am wading through syrup. Is it me or the day? Larry Dreary Dear Larry Dreary, I have to say that it is probably you. My mother once told me that we can’t blame everything on the weather. For instance, if it is…

Financial Advisors Are Mothers

Dear Ron, My stock broker has changed companies, leaving me. I feel like a  helpless baby  now  and I don’t know what to do. Rudder Les Dear Rudder Les, It is not uncommon for people to feel helpless when their financial adviser leaves them. It feels like their world has been pulled out from under…

The Positive Side Of Being Obese

Dear Ron, I am a person who thinks she should lose weight. I sometimes ask myself, why should I?  For my hubby? Fact is, Ron, my hubby could care less if he woke up next to a truck, he is too busy polishing his 5-iron. For the kids? The kids don’t care either. The only…

Why Don’t They Make Eye Contact?

Dear Ron, I have a problem and it hurts. But maybe I am too sensitive.  I am a nice guy, but I often notice that people are not comfortable with me.  For example,   in a group, the person speaking seems to avoid eye contact with me, focussing instead on the other people in the group….

Telepathy Is For Shoppers

Dear Ron, Do you think mental telepathy is for real? Like, for example, you are thinking about somebody and  at that moment they call you. I have had that experience and sometimes wonder if it was just coincidence or if our thoughts are connected. Wonderer Dear Wonderer, This is a question for Dr. Aldous Dimly,…

Burned Up

Dear Ron, I read you every day and am always amazed by your good heart and well thought out replies to your readers’ questions. It is wonderful to know that someone really cares about us. There are just so many problems in life and I have one too. I have an uneven tan. How did…

In The Summer We Sweat

Dear Ron, Is there a cure for the summertime blues? Blue Manny Dear Blue Manny, Like all blues, the summertime blues is curable. But the summertime blues is harder than most for the reason that in the the summer  we tend to sweat. I would just look forward to autumn when the trees will be…

Ape The Best

Dear Ron, I always think I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I seem to be out of step with other people. Am I imagining it or, if not, how do I do something to change it.? Offbeat Dear Offbeat, It is quite possible that you are out of step…

Time Is A Pain

Dear Ron, I have a “thing” about time. Either it goes too  fast or it goes too slow. Nowadays, it is going too slow. It is only like, 2 o’clock and I am sure it is 4. What can I do to make time get along with me? Tina Dear Tina, Time. Time. Time.  Time…

It Is A Blight On My Face

Dear Ron, Thanking Bright Spot for his concern, but I can’t bring myself to see it his way. To me when I look it is a blight on my face, much like a construction site.  I am at the point where I am prepared to take the leap of obtaining a procedure. It is now…

Viagra Sounds Butch To Me

Dear Ron, What do you think about Viagra and Cialis? I don’t mean the effects, I am talking about the names. “Viagra” sounds butch to me, while “Cialis” has a wimpy, shrivelling, effeminate ring to it. Don’t you think the admen for this pill could have come up with a better signature? Bumsy Dear Bumsy,…

See An Ist

Dear Ron, Is it possible to be hot and cold at the same time, because I think I am at the moment? Thermo Dear Thermo, Anyone who sleeps lying down will tell you that when you are hot you are not cold, and when you are cold you cannot be hot. This applies to animals…

Blind Buffoon

Dear Ron, I am having a problem with eye-brain co-ordination. In other words I do not see what is right in front of my eyes. My eyesight is generally good. I can read a menu that might have been written for ants. So please don’t tell me to waste my hard-earned social security check on…

A Failure At The Gym

Dear Ron, I am a muscle boy. I go to the gym, but I have a problem. My biceps  are not pumping. I do my curls religiously to try and get them up, but they don’t want to go anywhere. Even my trainer, Largo, is stumped, saying he has never seen anything like it since…

I Am Not Anorexo Or Anything

Dear Ron, I want to stop eating. I am not anorexo or anything, I usually have a very good appetite, but I’d like to give my jaws a rest for a while. After all, I have been eating for 18 years straight and I am getting tired of it. The problem is that my parents…

The Basement Of the Main Computer

Dear Ron, Just one more question. Pleaz.  I cant sleep becuz this haz been bothering me so much. Where do you think words go when they are deleted from a computer?? Sleepless Dik (sort of) Dear Dik, You are darn lucky I am just an old softie at heart. We now know that words which…

Tomorrow’s Promises

Dear Ron, I have come to a point in my life where I want to forget the past, not think about the future and live in the here and now. How can I do this? Tense Amnesiac Wannabe Dear Tense Amnesiac Wannabe, Try holding your finger under a lit match. I don’t  imagine you’ll be…

Should I Lie Down?

Dear Ron, I feel so sleepy. Do you think I should lie down? Slipping into a coma Dear Slipping, No. I think you should roll around on the floor and bark. That might pep you up. ====================

The Coolest Person In The Wilderness

Dear Ron, What is your opinion about air conditioning. Mine gives me a sore throat. What is my alternative? Cold Comfort Dear Cold Comfort, I hear you. These so-called wonder discoveries cause more harm than benefit sometimes. What’s wrong with rolling up a newspaper and shaking it in front of your face?  You’ll even keep…

My Mother And My Wife Stretch Me

Dear Ron, I have a question. Is it okay to use a toothpick after a meal at the table? My wife says it isn’t but my mother says it is. I am being pulled in two different directions and I hope I don’t come apart. Pick Me Up Dear Pick Me Up, Why not use…

Hoodies Lower IQ

Dear Ron, I have a problem with my hoody. The cords always come uneven, which is driving me crazy. Any suggestions? Cord Crazy Dear Cord, First of all, you shouldn’t be wearing a hoody. It puts too much weight on your neck, which drags energy from your  brain and lowers I.Q. Plus when you are…

My Problem Is No Problems

Dear  Ron, Do you think having no problems is a problem in itself?  I have no problems today and it bothers me. Dunno Dear Dunno, You are right on the money that having no problems is a problem in itself, and sometimes it can make you take your own life. Look at the Scandinavians. They…

Forgetting To Fool

Dear Ron, It is April Fools Day today and I haven’t played a joke on anybody yet . Am I losing my sense of humour? Shrugs Dear Shrugs, My answer to your question is that you are probably far funnier than most. I assume that from the moniker you’ve used to sign your question.  No,…

Hot Plus Cold Equals Problem

Dear Ron, I don’t know what is the matter with me. First I am too hot, then I’m too cold. Then I’m too hot again, then I am too cold again. What is going on ? Temperature  Imperfect Dear Temperature Imperfect, It sounds like you are on an elevator that has lost control. I would…

I Feel Drowsy Now

Dear Ron, My problem is that I feel drowsy a lot. I’ll be standing somewhere and I suddenly want to nap. I am not sleepy, only drowsy like I am a little drunk. It is not unpleasant, but I feel there is something wrong with me. What do you think it is? Dropsicle Dear Dropsicle,…

Land Of Plenty

Dear Ron, I have a problem. I buy food at the supermarket and then I put it on my shelf and forget to eat it. Is it possible that I am making wrong choices? Which Way Dear Which Way, I must admit from the git-go that I do that all the time and feel guilty…

The Hardest Thing In The World To Do

Dear Ron, What is the hardest thing in the world to do? Maven Dear Maven, I have wracked my brain and could come up only with sleeping with my wife, but I know that is probably not the correct answer. I am stumped, Maven, I am. Dear Ron, The answer is nothing. Try doing nothing….

Why Are Animals So Lazy?

Dear Ron, Why are animals so lazy? All animals want to do is eat, sleep, and procreate. While we humans gotta do all the work. It just ain’t fair. Legwork Dear Legwork, You are right. Maybe if we could encourage them to get hobbies, they would be more active. I would trade places with almost…

I Think Resolutions Are Important

Dear Ron, Well, the new year is upon us, Ron. Do you have any resolutions? If you do, how long do you think it will be before you break them…  lol? Jester Dear Jester, I have made one resolution, that is the one I make every year: to be a kinder, gentler person. So far…

Am I A Bad Person Or Just Not good?

Dear Ron, I am starting to wonder about myself. I feel terrible when I hear anything good that people say about my friends. Am I a bad person or simply not good? Not Good Dear Not Good, I would say you are neither bad nor not good. People need to feel terrible when other people…

The Nose Was A Victim

Dear Ron, Where does the expression, “Cut off your nose to spite your face” come from? Is it from the nineteenth or the twentieth century? I have a bet with my auntie. She said twentieth, I said nineteenth. We’re dying to know! On Tenterhooks Dear On Tenterhooks, This expression came from long before the nineteenth…

Will And Being Are Opposed But Identical

Dear Ron, Being of a philosophical bent, I am about to toss a big one at you and hope you can take it home for me, but I will be surprised if you can in that it is such a conundrum. Well, here goes anyway. Arthur Schopenhauer, the early 19th century German thinker and lederhosen…

Rake Your Leaves

Dear Ron, Isn’t life unfair? Some people work their tail ends off while others hardly work at all. I am talking about  broadcasters. These guys tell the news, it takes about twenty minutes and then they are off to play golf, while I have to put in a ten hour day at the blintz factory…

I’m A Sweater, Ron

Dear Ron, I notice that you have letters lately that have to do with humidity and I just wanted to add my own. It is something I could never tell anyone, but now I am going to tell it to you: I am a sweater. You read it correct. I sweat, Ron. I am a…

Humidity And Horniness

  Dear Ron, I hate to ask this, but I just must.  Why is it that I feel most amorous when the weather is damp. Every time it rains I start to feel  tingly, and this is especially true when the temperature turns sultry (I was going to say “slutty” but I stopped myself on…

The More I Eat The Hungrier I Get

Dear Ron, Are there foods that make you hungrier after you eat them? And If there are, shouldn’t there be warning on the label? There is a pastry (I won’t say which because I don’t want a lawsuit) that I have been eating which  makes me so hungry that right after I finish one I…

Don’t Buy shampoo If You’re Bald

Dear Ron, Sometimes I think that I am wasting my life. I have this anxiety that I should be doing something with my life, but I am never able to decide what that “it” is. Maybe writing to you will show me the light. Sorry if this is too vague. Existential Ed Dear Ed, You…

Hair Pain

Dear Ron, My problem is this: I cannot get my hair cut right. I tell my barber to stop at the point where it looks to be the right length. Okay. So what happens? I walk outside, catching my reflection in shop windows and  feeling pretty good about the length. Next I go home and…

Toilet Paper And Middle Age

Dear Ron, How long should it take to use up a roll -2-ply- of toilet paper by one healthy middle-aged man. I seem to go through them faster than a hot knife through butter. I want to determine if I fall within the norm. I would appreciate it if you did not publish my name….

A Craps Shooter In A Windstorm

Dear Ron, I am a man in my late middle years and I fear that I am losing my short-term memory. I forget what I did or did not do only moments after I do it (or don’t do it). For example, I am in the shower, soaping  somewhere  and I don’t remember whether I…

Nuts About Baklava

Dear Ron, I have a terrible problem. I am nuts  (yes, nuts) about baklava and can’t stop eating it. I think I am addicted and I love it and hate it. What do I do, dear sir? Nuts Dear Nuts, Certainly baklava is a delicious treat. I am now speaking of the Lebanese variety, NOT…

Spring Has Sprung An Erection

Dear Ron, My problem is that I can’t keep my hands above my waist these days. I am forever rousing my “soldier boy,” so to speak.”  It has gotten so bad that I am hard-pressed to get dressed all day and I just loll about in a stupor in fondling-mode. Is it because spring has…

Temperature Angst

Dear Ron, I always get too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer. What should I do? Uncomfortable Dear Uncomfortable, You should go somewhere where it’s always spring or fall. I hope this helped. ========================

Maybe Your Pants Don’t Breathe

Dear Ron, I have a kinda sticky problem. If I am in my car, driving for at least a half hour at a stretch, my behind gets very hot, to the point that I begin to feel like what I imagine an egg must in the process of getting hard boiled. It does not feel…

Am I Turning Into A Woman?

Dear Ron, I am  a sixty year-old man and I think I am turning into a woman.  I am  developing breasts , and my testicles, once a great source of pride of my virility seem to be shrinking.  I am more emotional than I used to be, crying at anything I find even slightly unfortunate….

I’m So Clammy I Could Cry

Dear Ron, What can I do about perspiration? It’s a problem I have.  I powder, I spritz, I dab and  still it comes out all over me.  I am so clammy, I want to get a glass of white wine and eat myself. You  know, Ron, the more I think about it the angrier I…

Refuse To Smell Him

Dear Ron, I have a terrible problem. I work in a company, and in one of the offices where I have to visit regularly, there is a person who has a very bad body odour about him. He is really a nice person and I do not wish to offend him, so of course I…

Is My Penis Shrinking?

Dear Ron, I don’t know if I am imagining this, but I get the distinct impression when I look down that my penis is shrinking.  It is making me queasy to think about it. I have just turned 60. Does that have anything to do with it? Heartsick Dear Heartsick, It is indeed possible that…

Saturn Is Sitting On My Face

Dear Ron, I was born with the sun in Capricorn and the moon in Cancer, and so you will have to forgive the mood in which this is being written. I have been forever  trying to throw off the vile influences  that are the result  of my unfortunate birthday, delivered  by that postman of gloom,…

Yes, There Is A God

Dear Ron, Is there a God, and if so, why hasn’t He revealed Himself? Question Mark Dear Question Mark, Good question. Let me think about it. I am going to lie down and contemplate it. Okay, I’m back. I juggled your question: “Is there a God? Isn’t there a God? Is there a God? Isn’t…

Bring Back The Back

Dear Ron, Is farting so bad, Ron? Is it? It relieves tension, and it expresses to people something about us, like what we had for dinner. I would like to change society’s attitudes about flatulence, but I can’t do it singlehandedly. What do you say we start a movement? Gassy Garey Dear Gassy Garey, You…

My Oedipal Complex Has Fallen Away

Dear Ron, Are ya tellin me that I am some kind of timmy?  (look the word up in New Slang Dictionary) Psychiatrists are for crackers, and I ain’t a cracker. At least the last time I looked. This Dr. Schtarke fella, what side of the bed did he fall out of to get such a…

Scratching Sickened Him

Dear Ron, I have a problem that I want you to help me with. I wake up in the morning and I have scratches all over my body. Now I sleep alone, so how could this happen? Do you think someone comes in, does their dirty work and leaves? If so, what kind of lock…

Why Are Airplanes Grey?

Dear Ron, This is Miserable Molly here if you remember me. I am less miserable than before thanks to you. I have taken your advice to heart and am starting to make more decisions. For example, today I decided what I would wear. I didn’t call my sister to ask for her opinion. I have…

Remember To Wear Sunglasses

Dear Ron, The days are getting shorter and it is making me sad. Is there anything I can do about it? Light Hungry Dear Light Hungry What you are suffering from  is a form  of seasonal angst caused by lack of sunlight common to people who  can see. The renowned psychologist and Nobel wannabe,  Dr….

Should I Finish This Letter?

Dear Ron, My problem is that I can’t make decisions. About  anything. For example, I am not even sure I should finish this letter. Should I go on? No, I don’t think so, but maybe I should. No,I think I am going to stand up instead. Yes, I have decided. I am going to. I…

If You Could Walk In My Slippers

Dear Ron, I  heard someone say the other day, “If you could walk in my shoes, you would know what it feels like!” The person was talking about an operation she just had. I know what it means: If you were me, you would know how I feel after my operation.  Ron, can you tell…

I Feel So Guilty About Not Leaving Her A Tip

Dear Ron, I am a guilt-ridden human specimen. I am ashamed to say that I was at a restaurant today and I neglected to leave a tip. The reason I didn’t do it was because I suspect I am too “frugal,” and because I thought I could get away with it without appearing to the…

My Existential Nazi Psychiatrist

Dear Ron, On the subject of time, I read what you wrote to Tina and I would like to pose another question about Father Time. I don’t know if I am being silly, but I always have the mind -crushing impression that I am wasting my time, even when I know I am not, when…

Ear Wax And Warm Weather

Dear Ron, I don’t know if I am imagining this, but my earwax seems a lot more pungent than usual in warm weather. Is it possible that even it is subject to the dog days of summer? Summer Smells Dear Smells, There are three forms of matter: solid, liquid and gas. As the atmosphere heats…

I Shall Gas You

Dear Ron, I hope you are enjoying your summer. Isn’t it nice when there is no snow on the ground and it is not so cold we have to wear a coat? I have a question for you. What is your favourite season? I bet it’s summer. Please tell me if I am right. Lady…

See Ya So Ya

Dear Ron, I hear that you are a zen maven. What is the sound of one hand clapping? So Ya Dear So Ya, The sound of one hand clapping is what I always hear when I finish singing a song. Dear Ron, I liked your answer to my previous koan, but I don’t think it…

Doesn’t The English Language Have Too Many Consonants?

Dear Ron, Don’t you think that the English langwige has too many consonants? I am a poor speler and I am sick and tired of misspeling words and looking like a foool to my new wyf and childrin. For examplil. It is not necesaree, in my vyu, to have dubel consonants. Consider: lock, dick, prick,…

Who Can The Kids Look Up To?

Dear Ron, Don’t you think that society is going awry?  I mean aren’t we a nation of celebrity hounds? Take the case of Michael Jackson. People worshipped the ground he walked on and they will now worship even more the ground the ground he is be buried under. He is just a singer, isn’t he?…

I Put My Shoe In The Fridge

Dear Ron, I did a horrible thing today.  I put my key in my left, back pocket. I have never done that in my life. I always put it in my left, front pocket. It worries me to think I actually made that mistake, and I want to know if something is going wrong with…

I Have Always Wanted Meatier Arms

Dear Ron, I have always wanted meatier arms, and now I am finally getting them.  But now that I have them  I want more!  Am I being greedy? Meat  Lover Dear Meat Lover, I am supposing that you will probably never be satisfied with your arms. I say that because it is like the person…

The Chosen People

Dear Ron, Why is is that certain sensations feel pleasant even though they hurt? For instance, I love to stick sharp objects into my finger until it starts to bleed. It hurts and makes me feel good. What gives? Happy sufferer Dear Happy, You are what is known in the psychiatric literature as a masochrist…

My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Too Hairy

Dear Ron, My boyfriend had a “Brazilian” and now he teases me for being too hairy. Am I too hairy? Goathead Dear Goathead, Be proud of your fur.  Some of the best people are hairy. Think of Jesus. The man never took a haircut, or if he did, it is not mentioned. I for one…

Digital Widower

Dear Ron, My life is hell. My girlfriend loves her computers more than she loves me. She would rather be sitting in front of her screens –she has TWO in her office- than beside me, holding my hand. I feel like a digital widower. D. W. Dear Digital, Has the world lost its mind? Have…

I Have Always Been Proud Of My Neck

Dear Ron, I am in a quandary.  In my middle years, I have noticed when looking into my bathroom mirror of late that my jowl has loosened  considerably. I have always been a man who is proud of his neck, so you can perhaps understand that it is disturbing to see this happen. I do…

Do All Things Work Out In The End?

Dear Ron, It is true that what goes around comes around, but can it be said with equal certainty that all things work out in the end?  Please inform. Uncertain Sam Dear Uncertain Sam, I will attempt to address this question in as didactic a fashion as I can muster, under the circumstances, which are…

Why Are There So Many Sad Songs?

Dear Ron, Why are there so many sad songs? Don’t you think the world might be a better place if we heard happier music?  Thanks for any light you may shed on this dark picture. Chichi Dear Chichi, Yes, I believe you make a good point. That is why I appreciate the music of John…

The Handicapped Are People Of A Sort

Dear Ron, Something has got my goat. You know those reserved parking spaces for the handicapped? Okay. So I was at my favourite mall the other day and I parked in one of them because I had a very heavy package to get from a store close to it and there was no other open…

Hair Means Sperm

Dear Ron, I had a dream last night and I want to know its meaning. I dreamed that my granddaughter was born (my daughter is now pregnant with her first child) with a full head of hair and looked just like George Clooney. When I  saw her I didn’t know whether to hug her or…

In The Summer We Sweat

Dear Ron, Is there a cure for the summertime blues? Blue Manny Dear Blue Manny, Like all blues, the summertime blues is curable. But the summertime blues is harder than most for the reason that in the the summer  we tend to sweat. I would just look forward to autumn when the trees will be…

Story Of An Advice Columnist

Dear Ron I have gone and done and won. At times I didn’t win. When I didn’t win I sometimes took a spin. I have taken hikes too, a long time ago. Now I’m back and I don’t know where I’ve been. As you see, maybe saw then too, but no, you didn’t know me…

A Sadist’s Dilemma

Dear Ron, I  have just come to the conclusion that I am a sadist. I enjoy making people suffer, the more the merrier. It is the one thing I look forward to when I wake up in the morning. Who can I make miserable today and how can I do it? It makes my bells…

Why does Everybody Lie?

Dear Ron, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your column immensely. It has helped me to understand the  world around me and now I am well situated. To me your words are pearls that I will forever keep deep in my bosom . But Yes!  I too have a query to make cleary….

Is Thunder Too Loud?

Dear Ron, Do you like thunder or do you find it too loud? Big Bang Dear Big Bang, I like the sound of thunder and I don’t find it too loud. When I was a little boy and asked my mom what thunder was, she told me it was God farting. When I asked her…

Techno Dunce

Dear Ron, Is it the purpose of modern technology to make people feel  foolish and inadequate?  When my computer doesn’t work properly I am completely at a loss. I have no idea what to do about it, and I feel stupid always having to get help from someone. Am I the only one? Techno Dunce…