Dear Ron,
I have a question I have asked many people and they just don’t know. Maybe you will. I hope you do. Why do old people make funny noises, and why are these noises not so much fun to hear?
Hearin’ Things

Dear Hearin’ Things,

That is a very good question. It is actually two questions,  but I will let that go.
First of all, you must remember that old people have been alive for a long time, otherwise they would not be considered old. When a person has been around for a long time they sometimes don’t remember that they are alive. They may think sometimes that they are really dead but nobody has informed them of that fact and they wish to be reminded that they actually are still here with the rest of us. They need to hear it.
But old people are often ignored, and so nobody is there to tell them the truth. Consequently, old people talk to themselves. Of course, you might think that they are just making “funny noises,” but what you are actually hearing is a meaningful conversation that they are having with themselves. The burps, grunts, groans,  all the auditory goulash that old people give out, is actually very important to them , because even if likely they cannot hear them due to deafness, they can feel that they are making them, and that cheers them up.
You need to understand that and you need to respect it.  One day you too may be old,  and would you want people thinking the sounds which you made were “not so much fun to hear?”  You wouldn’t. You would want everyone within hearing distance to  appreciate them, call them funny and fun, and add to the conversation with vulgar sounds of their own. Try that next time grandpa gives out something you might want to stab him for. That is my advice to you.

Dear Ron,
I am an old person and I don’t make funny noises. Is there something wrong with me?
Still Breathing

Dear Still Breathing,

I don’t know, Still. Maybe the noises you are making are funny, but not funny enough that people will laugh. There are actually schools now for old people to teach them how to make funnier noises. Google it. You might want to think about signing up for a course or two. Good luck.

About Ron Kozloff

Writer, Director

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